I'm no slacker! At least for this week...

Well I have actually done some purging of stuff for the yard sale! I've gotten all of the office purged of stuff to sell & of course any trash that happened to be in there. I got about 5 boxes worth of stuff! So that's good. But it took like 2 nights to go thru it. So tonight I would start on the bedroom. Except I'm soooooo tired. Like I could just go home and CRASH. But I know if I do that, then I won't get as much stuff in the yard sale as I'd like to and any money I can make from this would rock. That's what's keeping me going with getting home and doing it. It sucks right now though, cause Matt is sick, so I'm also making dinner first THEN working on getting stuff in boxes. So that's a good hour taken out of my night just getting dinner together.

My mom emailed me today to go eat lunch either tomorrow or Friday for my birthday. I went ahead and planned for tomorrow. Part of me just doesn't want to because of my self-imposed distance from her until she gets 3 months sober. Just cause I don't want this to be seen as some door opening. The only thing that will open the door completely is going to a meeting with her to see her get her 3 month chip. The door is still open...in case of emergency or something. But I don't want to give some false impression. BUT I'm also curious as to what it will be like. I'm nervous. I know I shouldn't be, but I am. I don't want her to try and lay any kind of guilt trip on me. I talked to Matt about it via text and I let him know that I had already planned on taking some cash so I could just throw some money down and walk out if things get to ridiculous with her. Cause I want her to understand that our relationship will not be the same. I can't be unguarded around her anymore. That level of trust is gone, once and for all. It survived the first round of drinking, but hasn't survived the second round. But I still want to have a relationship with her. Cause she's my mom! But things will have to be different so that I don't get walked on anymore.

I've realized in the past few years that I really need to do that with a lot of people more often. I allow too many people to walk over me and it just doesn't need to happen anymore. So. I'm trying to be a grown up and not let that happen. You think it'd be empowering and great, but it's really hard!

Anyway, another reason I'm nervous is that I don't want to give myself a false hope that things are on track to her getting sober. Because I seriously don't think they are. Granted, I don't know cause I haven't talked to her much. It's been a few sentence emails here and there about random shit. But I don't want to have that hope. Cause I'll just get disappointed. It's better to be pleasantly surprised than hopeful now and feel stupid later.

We'll see how it goes. For now I shall go home and purge some more. I'm just glad with the fact that I've actually done that and not slacked off there. Woo!